How to Entertain a Guest

(if: $justStarted is false)[You are in the family room. {(if: $tableInFamRoom is true)[There is a heavy table here. (link: "//Start dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = true)(set: $tableInFamRoom = false)(go-to: "family room")] ] (if: $draggingDiningTable is true)[You are dragging the dining table. (link: "//Stop dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = false)(set: $tableInFamRoom = true)(go-to: "family room")] ] } Your family is not home.] (if: $justStarted is true)[You are in your house, sitting in your favorite armchair in the family room. You've been preparing for today for a very long time... but it could never hurt to prepare a little more. You might want to consult your [[Tome]] before you get started.(set: $justStarted to false)] [[//Enter the dining room to the North.//|dining room]] [[//Enter the foyer to the South.//|foyer]] There is a staircase going up. (if: $draggingDiningTable is false and $deathchasestart is true)[[[//SPRINT up the staircase.//|upstairs]]](if: $draggingDiningTable is false and $deathchasestart is false)[[[//Creep up the staircase.//|upstairs]]](if: $draggingDiningTable is true)[No way you can get this table upstairs.]

You are in a hallway. Further down is your family's rooms. You don't want to go down there. [[//Enter the hall bathroom.//|Bathroom]] [[//Enter your bedroom.//|Bedroom]] (text-colour:#5c7cfa)[''//~~Go further down the hall.~~//''] [[//Go back down the stairs.//|family room]]

You are in the foyer. Your door is locked. Nothing will come in. {(if: $tableInFoyer is true)[There is a heavy table here. (link: "//Start dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = true)(set: $tableInFoyer = false)(go-to: "foyer")] ] (if: $draggingDiningTable is true)[You are dragging the dining table. (link: "//Stop dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = false)(set: $tableInFoyer = true)(go-to: "foyer")] ] There is a cabinet in here. [[//Open cabinet.//|cabinet]] (if: $paperThere is true)[On top of it is a stack of paper and a pencil. (link: "//Nab the paper and pencil.//")[(set: $carryingPencil = true)(set: $paperThere = false)(go-to: "foyer")] ]} [[//Enter the family room to the East.//|family room]] [[//Enter the kitchen to the West.//|kitchen]] There is a staircase leading down. [[//Descend.//|basement]]

You are in the dining room. Many meals have been had here. Now the tablecloth and silverware are piled up in a corner, leaving a bare table. {(if: $tableInDiningRoom is true)[There is a heavy table here. (link: "//Start dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = true)(set: $tableInDiningRoom = false)(go-to: "dining room")] ] (if: $draggingDiningTable is true)[You are dragging the dining table. (link: "//Stop dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = false)(set: $tableInDiningRoom = true)(go-to: "dining room")] ] (if: $chairsInDiningRoom is true)[There is a set of chairs here. (link: "//Grab them.//")[(set: $carryingChairs = true)(set: $chairsInDiningRoom = false)(go-to: "dining room")] ]} [[//Enter the family room to the East.//|family room]] [[//Enter the kitchen to the West.//|kitchen]]

You pick up your Tome. The words "Guide to Interactions with Outer Beings" cover the front of the book in flowery golden script. The Tome is well-worn, and nearly every page is dog-eared. You already know the basics. There are only two sections that are of interest to you at this stage. [[Proper Summoning Procedures]] [[Host Etiquette and Safety]] [[//Close the book.//|$roomJustLeft]]

//Proper Summoning Procedures:// 1. Choose any room in your house with no natural light. ''Basements'' are ideal for this. It is absolutely crucial that ''no light'' be present in the room with you, except for the candles, mentioned later. 2. Once you have chosen a room, set up a table inside of it. Place one chair on the ''near'' side, and one chair on the ''far'' side. 3. Set up a candle on the ''left'' and ''right'' sides of the table. 4. Place a sheet of paper and a writing implement on the table. This is how wagers will be made between you and your guest. 5. Get a selection of board games ready to entertain your guest. This is how a winner will be decided. [[Next Page.]]

6. Ensure the room is pitch black. Sit in one of the chairs and light the candle on your ''right''. 7. Stay seated and wait until the candle on your ''left'' lights itself. This means a guest has arrived and is willing to make a wager with you. 8. On the sheet of paper, write down whatever you want as a reward for winning. Guests can offer you anything you desire, but be extremely careful with higher-value demands: High-stakes wagers can result in dire consequences. 9. Your guest will write down their price: The consequence you will face should you lose. You may accept this price by ''signing'' the paper, or reject it by drawing an ''X''. This should cause your guest to blow out their candle and leave. 10. Select a game and play to the best of your ability. No matter who wins and who loses, accept the result with dignity and remain seated until your guest blows out their candle and leaves. [[//Back to the index//|Tome]]

Sometimes guests can be fickle or in bad moods. It is important for your safety to maintain good manners at all times and understand what to do in emergencies. By performing the [[Proper Summoning Procedures]], you are accepting the role of host, and inviting a guest to your home. It is crucial to treat your guest with respect at all times. Actions such as: * Making your guest feel bad or unwelcome * Excessively checking this book instead of paying attention to the game * Cheating * Laying eyes on your guest in any circumstance May all result in your guest blowing out their candle and ending the host/guest relationship. This is an emergency. ''IN CASE OF EMERGENCY:'' //Immediately// leave the table and find somewhere in your house to hide. It is best to find such a spot beforehand so you can hide as quickly as you can if need be. [[//Back to the index//|Tome]]

{ (set: $justStarted to true) (set: $roomJustLeft to "") (set: $bailwait to 0) (set: $draggingDiningTable to false) (set: $gamesInFoyer to true) (set: $tableInDiningRoom = true) (set: $tableInFamRoom = false) (set: $tableInKitchen = false) (set: $tableInFoyer = false) (set: $tableInBasement = false) (set: $candleInKitchen = true) (set: $carryingCandles = false) (set: $candledTable = false) (set: $cflag1 = 0) (set: $cflag2 = 0) (set: $cflag3 = 0) (set: $cflag4 = 0) (set: $chairsInDiningRoom = true) (set: $carryingChairs = false) (set: $chairedTable = false) (set: $chair1 = false) (set: $chair2 = false) (set: $chflag1 = 0) (set: $chflag2 = 0) (set: $chflag3 = 0) (set: $chflag4 = 0) (set: $carryingGames = false) (set: $gamedTable = false) (set: $paperThere = true) (set: $carryingPencil = false) (set: $paperedTable = false) (set: $allDone = false) (set: $screwed = false) (set: $wait = 0) (set: $annoyance = 0) (set: $game = "") (set: $deathChase = false) (set: $deathchasestart = false) (set: $candylandprogressyou = 1) (set: $candylandprogressthem = 1) (set: $newseed = 0) (set: $deathtimer = 0) (set: $basementlight = true) (set: $lastchance = false) (set: $cake = false) (set: $bills = false) (set: $kidneys = 2) (set: $eyes = 2) (set: $age = 45) (set: $muscle = 2) (set: $youNA = 0) (set: $guestNA = 0) (set: $youSA = 0) (set: $guestSA = 0) (set: $youEU = 0) (set: $guestEU = 0) (set: $youAS = 0) (set: $guestAS = 0) (set: $youAF = 0) (set: $guestAF = 0) (set: $youAU = 0) (set: $guestAU = 0) (set: $troops = 0) (set: $guesttroops = 0) (set: $attack = 0) (set: $justAttacked = "WHAT") (set: $guestriskchoice = 0) (set: $troopsturn = 3) (set: $guesttroopsturn = 3) (set: $wonNA = false) (set: $wonSA = false) (set: $wonEU = false) (set: $wonAS = false) (set: $wonAF = false) (set: $wonAU = false) (set: $lostNA = false) (set: $lostSA = false) (set: $lostEU = false) (set: $lostAS = false) (set: $lostAF = false) (set: $lostAU = false) (set: $youpoints = 0) (set: $lesslessyoupoints = 0) (set: $lessyoupoints = 0) (set: $moreyoupoints = 0) (set: $moremoreyoupoints = 0) }

(if: not ((passage:)'s tags contains "noreturn"))[(set: $roomJustLeft to (passage:)'s name)]

(if: $lastchance is true)[(go-to: "death")]You are in the hall bathroom. [[//Get in the tub and close the curtains.//|Tub]] [[//Leave.//|upstairs]]

(if: $lastchance is true)[(go-to: "death")]You are in your bedroom. The queen sized bed is messy and there are only enough pillows on it for one side. [[//Get under the bed.//|Bed]] [[//Get in the closet.//|Closet]] [[//Leave.//|upstairs]]

(if: $deathchasestart is true)[(set: $lastchance = true)] You feel safe in here.(set: $deathchasestart = false) (set: $deathtimer = 0) [[//Leave.//|Bathroom]] (if: $lastchance is true)[[[//Wait.//|Bathroomwait]]] (else:)[[[//Wait.//|Tub]]]

(if: $deathchasestart is true)[(set: $lastchance = true)]You feel safe under here. But it is cramped.(set: $deathchasestart = false) (set: $deathtimer = 0) [[//Leave.//|Bedroom]] (if: $lastchance is true)[[[//Wait.//|Bedroomwait]]] (else:)[[[//Wait.//|Bed]]]

(if: $deathchasestart is true)[(set: $lastchance = true)]You feel safe in here. You can see out through some slats in the door.(set: $deathchasestart = false) (set: $deathtimer = 0) [[//Leave.//|Bedroom]] (if: $lastchance is true)[[[//Wait.//|Closetwait]]] (else:)[[[//Wait.//|Closet]]]

You are in the kitchen. The sink is full of dirty dishes. {(if: $candleInKitchen is true)[There are some candles on the countertop. (link: "//Grab them.//")[(set: $carryingCandles = true)(set: $candleInKitchen = false)(go-to: "kitchen")] ] (if: $draggingDiningTable is true)[You are dragging the dining table. (link: "//Stop dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = false)(set: $tableInKitchen = true)(go-to: "kitchen")] ] (if: $tableInKitchen is true)[There is a heavy table here. (link: "//Start dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = true)(set: $tableInKitchen = false)(go-to: "kitchen")] ]} [[//Enter the foyer to the South.//|foyer]] [[//Enter the dining room to the North.//|dining room]]

{(set: $bailwait = 0)You are in the basement. (if: $cake is true)[In one corner of the room is a massive chocolate cake on a shelf. [[//Eat some.//|eatcake]] ] (if: $cake is true)[On one of the shelves is a stack of $100 bills. ] (if: $basementlight is true)[(link: "//Turn the lights off.//")[(set: $basementlight = false)(go-to: "basement")]] (if: $basementlight is false)[It is dark. You turn on a small lighter and cast a faint light across the room. (link: "//Turn the lights on.//")[ (set: $basementlight = true)(go-to: "basement")]] (if: $draggingDiningTable is true)[ Thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. You get the table down the stairs. (link: "//Stop dragging it.//")[(set: $draggingDiningTable = false)(set: $tableInBasement = true)(go-to: "basement")]] (if: $candledTable is true and $chairedTable is true and $gamedTable is true and $paperedTable is true)[(set: $allDone = true)] (if: $tableInBasement is true)[(if: $allDone is false)[ You need some more items before you can begin.] (if: $carryingCandles is true and $candledTable is false)[ (link: "//Set the table with candles.//")[(set: $cflag1 = 0)(set: $cflag2 = 0)(set: $cflag3 = 0)(set: $cflag4 = 0)(set: $candledTable = true)(go-to: "candlesetup")]] (if: $carryingCandles is true and $candledTable is true)[ (link: "//Redo the candles.//")[(set: $cflag1 = 0)(set: $cflag2 = 0)(set: $cflag3 = 0)(set: $cflag4 = 0)(set: $candledTable = true)(go-to: "candlesetup")]] (if: $carryingChairs is true and $chairedTable is false)[ (link: "//Set the table with chairs.//")[(set: $chflag1 = 0)(set: $chflag2 = 0)(set: $chflag3 = 0)(set: $chflag4 = 0)(set: $chairedTable = true)(go-to: "chairsetup")]] (if: $carryingChairs is true and $chairedTable is true)[ (link: "//Redo the chairs.//")[(set: $chflag1 = 0)(set: $chflag2 = 0)(set: $chflag3 = 0)(set: $chflag4 = 0)(set: $chairedTable = true)(go-to: "chairsetup")]] (if: $carryingGames is true)[ (link: "//Set the games next to the table.//")[(set: $gamedTable = true)(set: $carryingGames = false)(go-to: "basement")]] (if: $carryingPencil is true)[ (link: "//Put the pencil and paper on the table.//")[(set: $paperedTable = true)(set: $carryingPencil = false)(go-to: "basement")]] ] (if: $allDone is true)[ You are ready to begin.] (if: $allDone is true)[ (link: "//Begin.//")[(go-to: "ritual")]] } [[//Go back up the stairs.//|foyer]]

Time to set up the candles. (link: "//Place a candle on the left of the table. ([$cflag1])//")[(set: $cflag1 = $cflag1 + 1)(go-to: "candlesetup")] (link: "//Place a candle on the right of the table. ([$cflag2])//")[(set: $cflag2 = $cflag2 + 1)(go-to: "candlesetup")] (link: "//Place a candle on the far side of the table. ([$cflag3])//")[(set: $cflag3 = $cflag3 + 1)(go-to: "candlesetup")] (link: "//Place a candle on the near side of the table. ([$cflag4])//")[(set: $cflag4 = $cflag4 + 1)(go-to: "candlesetup")] (link: "//All done with candles.//")[(if: $cflag1 is 1 and $cflag2 is 1 and $cflag3 is 0 and $cflag4 is 0 and $chflag1 is 1 and $chflag2 is 1 and $chflag3 is not 1 and $chflag4 is not 1)[(set: $screwed = false)](else:)[(set: $screwed = true)](go-to: "basement")]

Time to set up the chairs. (if: $chflag3 < 1)[(link: "//Place a chair on the left side of the table.//")[(set: $chflag3 = $chflag3 + 1)(go-to: "chairsetup")]] (if: $chflag4 < 1)[(link: "//Place a chair on the right side of the table.//")[(set: $chflag4 = $chflag4 + 1)(go-to: "chairsetup")]] (if: $chflag1 < 1)[(link: "//Place a chair on the near side of the table.//")[(set: $chflag1 = $chflag1 + 1)(go-to: "chairsetup")]] (if: $chflag2 < 1)[(link: "//Place a chair on the far side of the table.//")[(set: $chflag2 = $chflag2 + 1)(go-to: "chairsetup")]] (link: "//All done with chairs.//")[(if: $cflag1 is 1 and $cflag2 is 1 and $cflag3 is 0 and $cflag4 is 0 and $chflag1 is 1 and $chflag2 is 1 and $chflag3 is not 1 and $chflag4 is not 1)[(set: $screwed = false)](else:)[(set: $screwed = true)](go-to: "basement")]

(if: $gamesInFoyer is true)[There are a couple board games in here.](if: $gamesInFoyer is false)[The cabinet is empty. It's too small to fit inside.] {(if: $gamesInFoyer is true)[(link: "//Take the games.//")[(set: $gamesInFoyer = false)(set: $carryingGames = true)]] }[[//Close the cabinet.//|foyer]]

{It's time to start the ritual. (set: $deathChase = false) (if: $screwed is true)[(set: $deathChase = true)] (if: $deathChase is true)[(go-to: "deathchasealt")] Seated in your chair, you pull out a lighter and ignite the candle... (set: $wait = 0) (link: "//To your right.// ")[(go-to: "ritual2")] (link: "//To your left.//")[(set: $deathChase = true)(go-to: "ritual2")] }

{(if: $deathChase is true)[(go-to: "deathchase")] (else-if: $wait < 3)[The candle is lit. Nothing is happening. (link: "//Wait.//")[(set: $wait = $wait + 1)(go-to: "ritual2")] (link: "//Stand up//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] ] (else:)[Suddenly, the candle on your left lights itself. The atmosphere in the room feels like it's thinning out, getting colder and making your ears pop. There is now a presence on the other side of the table. (if: $basementlight is true)[ You gaze across the table and lock eyes with something undescribable. [[//Uhh... guh... wuh...//|blind]] ] (else:)[(set: $annoyance = 0) [[//Say: "Thank you for joining me here today."//|ritual3]] (link: "//Begin writing your desired wager on the piece of paper.//")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)(go-to: "ritual3")] ]]}

(if: not ((passage:)'s tags contains "noreturn")) [(text-colour:grey)[[//Consult the Tome.//|Tome]]] (if: not ((passage:)'s tags contains "death"))[ (if: $deathchasestart is true)[ (if: $deathtimer > 6)[ (go-to: "death")] (set: $deathtimer = $deathtimer + 1) (live: 3s)[(if: $deathtimer > 5)[ (go-to: "death")]] (live: 3s)[ (set: $deathtimer = $deathtimer + 1) ]]]

(if: $annoyance is 0)[There is no coherent response from your guest. You do catch some faint slithery sounds from the other side of the table, however.] It is time to select what you want to ask of your guest. [[//Something small.//|small]] [[//Something large.//|large]]

You set the tip of the pencil to the paper and write your demand: (link: "//$10,000.//")[(set: $demand = "$10000")(go-to: "responsesmall")] (link: "//Extend my lifespan by 5 years.//")[(set: $demand = "5years")(go-to: "responsesmall")] (link: "//Let me see the surface of another planet.//")[(set: $demand = "planet")(go-to: "responsesmall")] (link: "//A really nice cake.//")[(set: $demand = "cake")(go-to: "responsesmall")]

(link: "//$100 billion dollars.//")[(set: $demand = "$100billion")(go-to: "responselarge")] (link: "//World peace.//")[(set: $demand = "worldpeace")(go-to: "responselarge")] (link: "//I want my family back.//")[(set: $demand = "family")(go-to: "responselarge")] (link: "//Unlimited wishes.//")[(set: $demand = "wishes")(go-to: "responselarge")] (link: "//Omnipotence.//")[(set: $demand = "omnipotence")(go-to: "responselarge")]

You finish writing your demand and set down the pencil. A few seconds later, red words appear on the page as if being slowly scrawled by an invisible hand. {(if: $demand is "$10000")[(text-colour:red)[An organ of equivalent value.]] (if: $demand is "5years")[(text-colour:red)[5 years off your lifespan.]] (if: $demand is "planet")[(text-colour:red)[One eye.]] (if: $demand is "cake")[(text-colour:red)[6,400 calories of your flesh.]]} [[//Write an X on the paper.//|bail]] [[//Write a check mark on the paper.//|deathchase]] [[//Sign the paper.//|choosegame]] [[//Write "no" on the paper.//|deathchase]] [[//Write "yes" on the paper.//|deathchase]]

The deal has been struck. Now it is time to choose a game. (link: "//Candyland.//")[(set: $game = "candyland")(go-to: "gamestart")] (link: "//Pisk.//")[(set: $game = "risk")(go-to: "gamestartrisk")]

The candle on your left goes out and the presence disappears. {(if: $bailwait is > 2)[Nothing special is happening. The room is quiet. ] (if: $bailwait is > 4)[You feel a little silly waiting in a quiet, empty room. ] (if: $bailwait is > 9)[You tap your foot, bored. You feel at ease, like you could probably stop waiting and do something crazy like, I dunno, standing up. ] (if: $bailwait is > 15)[You can stand up now. Without dying. Probably. ] (if: $bailwait is > 19)[Look, even if standing up did kill you, you're going to have to face that reality eventually. Waiting doesn't make you any less doomed. Which you're not, by the way. Probably. ] (if: $bailwait is > 24)[Let me spell it out for you. Waiting is doing nothing but triggering these messages. You can leave. ] (if: $bailwait is > 29)[Wait... is that what you're after? Do you just want to hear me talk? (link: "No")[(go-to: "bailrebuff")] (link: "Yes")[(go-to: "baildate")] ]} (link: "//Wait.//")[(set: $bailwait = $bailwait + 1)(go-to: "bail")] [[//Stand up.//|basement]]

(set: $deathchasestart = true) Suddenly, the candle on your left goes out. You feel a horrible electric shock rush through your nervous system: An instinctive urge to run. (text-colour:red)[You are on a strict timer. Start clicking.] [[//Run up the basement stairs.//|foyer]] [[//Remain seated.//|deathchase]]

{You finish writing your demand and set down the pencil. (if: $demand is "family")[You feel a twinge of distaste from across the table, followed by a flashing sequence of concepts and emotions being beamed directly into your brain as you wince in pain. "SHAMEFUL... DISTASTEFUL... TO ATTEMPT TO RECOUP... A PRICE WILLINGLY PAID... YOU... UNDERSTOOD TERMS WHEN DEAL WAS MADE... FEEL REGRET ONLY NOW... WHY DID YOU FREELY... MAKE WAGER... WITH THINGS UNWILLING TO LOSE... ONE LAST CHANCE... ACCEPT PREVIOUS CHOICES... OR ACCEPT HARSH NEW CONDITIONS... ] A few seconds later, red words appear on the page as if being slowly scrawled by an invisible hand. (if: $demand is "$100billion")[(text-colour:red)[760 years of complete servitude, mind, body, and soul.]] (if: $demand is "worldpeace")[(text-colour:red)[Immediate apocalypse.]] (if: $demand is "family")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 2)(text-colour:red)[The resurrection of your family as my eternal servants.]] (if: $demand is "wishes")[(text-colour:red)[Eternal servitude as a genie in a bottle.]] (if: $demand is "omnipotence")[(text-colour:red)[Banishment of your soul to Hell.]] } [[//Write an X on the paper.//|bail]] [[//Write a check mark on the paper.//|deathchase]] [[//Sign the paper.//|choosegame]] [[//Write "no" on the paper.//|deathchase]] [[//Write "yes" on the paper.//|deathchase]]

(if: $game is "candyland")[In Candyland, you pick cards from a deck that send you forward a number of spaces between 1 and 12. This game is made for babies, though, and babies can't count, so this simple movement mechanic is represented by colorful squares instead of just the numbers. There are 84 tiles in an unmodded game of Candyland. You can also draw a "special" card that will send you either forward or backward pretty much at random. Candyland is a horrible game. It's entirely up to random chance whether you win or lose. I mean, it's basically a coin flip that takes 20 minutes to land. Are you sure you want to stake whatever you chose on Candyland, of all games?] [[//Accept the path of the sugarplum.//|candyland]] [[//This is a horrible idea.//|choosegame]]

You have decided to send yourself deep into candy hell in the hopes of making it out with your prize. You slide the plastic pieces and the game board out of the box, as well as the cards. The entity across from you makes a clapping sound, probably of glee. It loves Candyland, because it's a horrible, awful creature made out of pure cruelty.(set: $begin = 0) [[//Say: "Oh, you like Candyland, huh?".//|candylandtalk]] [[//Wordlessly set up the board.//|candyland2]]

Your guest cannot talk, but from the spine-tingling waves you can feel through the now thick and soupy air, it's probably nodding its head, or some equivalent body part, enthusiastically in agreement. [[//Say: "Well, F*** YOU. Candyland is a horrible game and the only creatures that enjoy it are snotty toddlers and sadists."//|deathchase]] [[//Say: "That's... that's nice. It's a good game." Then force a smile.//|candyland2]]

The board is set up. You can now begin play. There is only one move in Candyland, and it is to draw a card. {(set: $candyloop = 0) (set: $turn = "you") (set: $youtile = 1) (set: $themtile = 1)} [[//Draw a card.//|candyland3]] (link: "//Would you like to go first?//")[(set: $turn = "them")(go-to: "candyland3")] [[//Umm... Youngest goes first, right?//|candyland2alt]]

{(if: $begin is 0 and $turn is "you")[(go-to: "drawcard")] (else-if: $begin is 0 and $turn is "them")[(go-to: "theydrawcard")] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $annoyance is >0 and $seed > 18)[(go-to: "candydanger")] (if: $youtile is >83)[(go-to: "win")] (if: $themtile is >83)[(go-to: "lose")] Your tile: $youtile/84 Guest's tile: $themtile/84 You are deeply engaged in Candyland's strategic gameplay. (if: $candywait is 1)[(set: $candywait = 0) You guest seems to be growing impatient.] (if: $turn is "you")[ (link: "//Draw a card.//")[(go-to: "drawcard")] (link: "//Wait for your guest's turn.//")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)(set: $candywait = 1)(go-to: "candyland3")] ] (if: $turn is "them")[ (link: "//Draw a card.//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//Wait for your guest's turn.//")[(go-to: "theydrawcard")] ]}

Your guest stares at you. You can feel its penetrating gaze from the ocean of darkness across from you. (if: $candyloop is not 1)[(link: "//Uhh... So that would... probably be ''me'', right?//")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)(set: $candyloop = 1)(go-to: "candyland2alt")]] (if: $candyloop is 1)[(link: "//Right?//")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)(go-to: "candyland2alt")]] (link: "//...How about you just go first.//")[(set: $turn = "them")(go-to: "candyland3")] [[//Draw a card.//|candyland3]]

{(set: $begin = 1)You draw a card. (set: $turn = "them") (set: $card = (random: 1, 66)) (if: $card is 61)[(set: $youtile = 12)You drew Mrs. Gingerbread, and are sent to her gingerbread... uh, tree? Yeah, I just looked it up, it's a gingerbread tree. Why is it not a house? Anyway, you are now on tile 12. By the way, did you know that Mrs. Gingerbread was actually a replacement for an old character named Plumpy? His shtick was plums, which is probably why he got removed. Nobody cares about plums these days, which is just one of the ways society is going downhill. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 62)[(set: $youtile = 24)You drew Mr. Mint, and are sent to his hellish peppermint forest. You are now on tile 24. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 63)[(set: $youtile = 36)You drew Gramma Nutt, and are forcibly invited to her Nutt House. You are now on tile 36. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 64)[(set: $youtile = 48)You drew Lolly, and are sent to her Lollypop Forest or whatever. Fun fact: did you know Lolly is creepy as hell? Go look her up right now, "Candyland Lolly" and look at the official art. There's nothing outwardly wrong about her appearance, but her eyes have no soul behind them. You are now on tile 48. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 65)[(set: $youtile = 60)You drew Princess Frostine, and are sent to her awesome Snowflake Lake. Princess Frostine is the one cool thing about Candyland. Her design was so good Disney blatantly ripped it off for Frozen. Anyway, thanks to your dope new friend, you are now on tile 60. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 66)[(set: $youtile = 72)(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)You drew Gloppy, and are sent to his glop swamp. Bizarrely, this is considered a good thing. You are now on tile 72. You feel a wave of angry psychic power come from your guest. It wanted to get Gloppy, not you. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 0)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 1)You advance one single tile. Riveting. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 1)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 2)You advance two tiles. Not great. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 2)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 3)You advance three tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 3)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 4)You advance four tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 4)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 5)You advance five tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 5)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 6)You advance six tiles. Crushingly average. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 6)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 7)You advance seven tiles. Nice, nice. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 7)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 8)You advance eight tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 8)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 9)You advance nine tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 9)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 10)You advance ten tiles. Woah there! [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 10)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 11)You advance eleven tiles. Holy moly! [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 11)[(set: $youtile = $youtile + 12)(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)You advance twelve tiles. Your guest makes an irritated noise. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]]}

{(set: $begin = 1)Your guest draws a card. (set: $turn = "you") (set: $card = (random: 1, 66)) (if: $card is 61)[(set: $themtile = 12)Your gues drew Mrs. Gingerbread, and is sent to her gingerbread... uh, tree? Yeah, I just looked it up, it's a gingerbread tree. Why is it not a house? Anyway, they are now on tile 12. By the way, did you know that Mrs. Gingerbread was actually a replacement for an old character named Plumpy? His shtick was plums, which is probably why he got removed. Nobody cares about plums these days, which is just one of the ways society is going downhill. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 62)[(set: $themtile = 24)Your guest drew Mr. Mint, and is sent to his hellish peppermint forest. They are now on tile 24. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 63)[(set: $themtile = 36)Your guest drew Gramma Nutt, and is forcibly invited to her Nutt House. They are now on tile 36. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 64)[(set: $themtile = 48)Your guest drew Lolly, and is sent to her Lollypop Forest or whatever. Fun fact: did you know Lolly is creepy as hell? Go look her up right now, "Candyland Lolly" and look at the official art. There's nothing outwardly wrong about her appearance, but her eyes have no soul behind them. They are now on tile 48. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 65)[(set: $themtile = 60)Your guest drew Princess Frostine, and is sent to her awesome Snowflake Lake. Princess Frostine is the one cool thing about Candyland. Her design was so good Disney blatantly ripped it off for Frozen. Anyway, hope you're far ahead, because, your guest is now on tile 60. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card is 66)[(set: $themtile = 72)(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)Your guest drew Gloppy, and is sent to his glop swamp. They are now on tile 72. You feel a wave of joyous psychic energy come from your guest. It loves Gloppy. Also it's about to win. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 0)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 1)Your guest advances one single tile. Riveting. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 1)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 2)Your guest advances two tiles. Not great. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 2)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 3)Your guest advances three tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 3)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 4)Your guest advances four tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 4)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 5)Your guest advances five tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 5)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 6)Your guest advances six tiles. Crushingly average. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 6)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 7)Your guest advances seven tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 7)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 8)Your guest advances eight tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 8)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 9)Your guest advances nine tiles. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 9)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 10)Your guest advances ten tiles. Woah there! [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 10)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 11)Your guest advances eleven tiles. Holy moly! [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]] (else-if: $card % 12 is 11)[(set: $themtile = $themtile + 12)Your guest advances twelve tiles. Gulp. [[//Okay.//|candyland3]]]}

Victory is yours. {(if: $demand is "$100billion")[(go-to: "bill")] (if: $demand is "worldpeace")[(go-to: "worl")] (if: $demand is "family")[(go-to: "fam")] (if: $demand is "wishes")[(go-to: "wish")] (if: $demand is "omnipotence")[(go-to: "omni")] (if: $demand is "$10000")[(set: $bills = true)In the dimly lit basement, you can see a stack of thin slips of paper appear on a nearby shelf: A hundred $100 bills.] (if: $demand is "5years")[You feel a twitch in your entire body: Like every cell just tensed and relaxed a little bit. A couple body aches you used to have fade away.] (if: $demand is "planet")[You feel a non-verbal command beamed into your brain: "YOU. CLOSE. EYES."] (if: $demand is "cake")[(set: $cake = true)In the dimly lit basement, you can see something appear in the corner of your eye: A massive, luscious chocolate cake.] (if: $demand is "planet")[ [[//Close your eyes.//|planet]] ] (else-if: $annoyance is >2)[ [[//"Thank you for the game. I graciously accept my reward."//|uhoh.]] [[//Flip your opponent off.//|uhoh.]] ] (else:)[ [[//"Thank you for the game. I graciously accept my reward."//|endwin]] [[//Flip your opponent off.//|deathchase]] ]}

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. {(if: $demand is "$100billion")[(go-to: "billose")] (if: $demand is "worldpeace")[(go-to: "worllose")] (if: $demand is "family")[(go-to: "famlose")] (if: $demand is "wishes")[(go-to: "wishlose")] (if: $demand is "omnipotence")[(go-to: "omnilose")] (if: $demand is "$10000")[(set: $kidneys = $kidneys - 1)You gasp as you feel a horrible pinching pain in your side. Your muscles ripple in protest and rearrange around a new vacuum. You are now missing a kidney.] (if: $demand is "5years")[(set: $age = $age + 5)You feel an awful pulse through your entire body: Like every cell just died a little bit. A couple new body aches slowly make themselves known.] (if: $demand is "planet")[(set: $eyes = $eyes - 1)You feel a horrifying sucking sensation on your eye, and then everything on that side of your face goes dark. The lack of pain is almost more disturbing than your lost ocular organ.] (if: $demand is "cake")[(set: $muscle = $muscle - 1)An ache starts spreading down your legs and arms, followed by a sensation only describable as muscular liposuction. You can feel your vitality and your body wasting away, or at least 6,400 calories of it. You feel awful.] (if: $eyes is 0)[(go-to: "eyesloss")] (if: $kidneys is 0)[(go-to: "kidneysloss")] (if: $muscle is 0)[(go-to: "muscleloss")] (if: $age is 70)[(go-to: "ageloss")] (if: $annoyance is >2)[ [[//"Thank you for the game. I graciously accept defeat."//|uhoh.]] [[//Flip your opponent off.//|uhoh.]] ] (else:)[ [[//"Thank you for the game. I graciously accept defeat."//|endwin]] [[//Flip your opponent off.//|deathchase]] ]}

It feels like your guest is not having a good time. For a couple seconds, you can feel blood rushing to your head, and then, all of a sudden, the table starts shaking. (live: 4s)[ [[//Quick grab the table.//|candydangersaved]] ] (live: 5s)[ (go-to: "candydangerworse") ]

Phew, you grabbed the table in time. A couple game pieces got moved around, but you quickly reset them and continue playing, a bead of sweat dripping down your forehead. [[//Yeah. Great.//|candyland3]]

The board, and the pieces on it, clatter to the floor. You can feel your guest looking at you expectantly. [[//Pick up the board and the pieces.//|candydangerworse2]]

{You set the board back up on the table, and then place down your opponent's piece. Suddenly, your mind blanks out. Which tile were you on again? (set: $new33tile = $youtile-3)(set: $new66tile = $youtile-6) (set: $newseed = (random: 1, 3)) (set: $newtile = $youtile+3)(set: $new6tile = $youtile+6) (if: $newseed is 1)[ (link: "//$youtile//")[(go-to: "candyland3")] (link: "//$newtile//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$new6tile//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] ] (if: $newseed is 2)[ (link: "//$new33tile//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$youtile//")[(go-to: "candyland3")] (link: "//$newtile//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] ] (if: $newseed is 3)[ (link: "//$new66tile//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$new33tile//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$youtile//")[(go-to: "candyland3")] ]}

Fire erupts in your sides as your flesh is punctured by multiple stinging appendages. You look behind you and see that scattered patches of wall have seemingly turned into writhing flesh, which rapidly spread, covering your entire environment in a red, living mass. You look up and see a pulsating, throat-like cylinder stretching onwards to infinity, gliding down to meet you. Its interior is completely covered with avaricious eyes, all glaring directly at you. These unearthly sights rapidly reach the limit of your mind's descriptive ability; you quickly go insane. This is the final courtesy your Guest bestows upon you before your demise. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

You hold your breath and lie flat in the tub. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bathroomwait2]]

You hold your breath and lie flat in the tub. There is skittering one room away. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bathroomwait3]]

You hold your breath and lie flat in the tub. There is skittering in the room with you. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bathroomwait4]]

You hold your breath and lie flat in the tub. The skittering is gone. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bathroomwait5]]

You hold your breath and lie flat in the tub. (set: $lastchance = false) [[//Leave.//|Bathroom]] [[//Wait.//|Bathroomwait5]]

You hold your breath and lie flat underneath the bed. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bedroomwait2]]

You hold your breath and lie flat underneath the bed. You hear uneven, slimy footsteps one room away. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bedroomwait3]]

You hold your breath and lie flat underneath the bed. You hear uneven, slimy footsteps inside the room. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bedroomwait4]]

You hold your breath and lie flat underneath the bed. The footsteps are gone. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Bedroomwait5]]

(set: $lastchance = false)You hold your breath and lie flat underneath the bed. [[//Leave.//|Bedroom]] [[//Wait.//|Bedroomwait5]]

You hold your breath and stand still inside the closet. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Closetwait2]]

You hold your breath and stand still inside the closet. You feel a dark presence one room away. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|Closetwait3]]

You hold your breath and stand still inside the closet. You see a dark presence start to creep into vision through the wooden slats of the closet. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait.//|blind]] [[//Close your eyes.//|Closetwait4]]

Your eyes meet with a writhing mass of indescribable gravity, almost as if a body fifty thousand times your size had folded space itself to allow it to exist in front of you. Casting your gaze across the slithering folds of its form short-circuits your brain as it tries to comprehend what it's looking at. For a second, your brain succeeds. You understand the true shape of the creature, it's fourth-dimensional body and the tiny sliver it is forcing into your reality. You understand that it has always been all around you, at every moment of your life, and is interacting with you the same way a child might harass an ant by tossing refuse at it and repeatedly placing their finger in front of its path. Then you go insane, robbing all agency from you. Nothing after this event holds any meaning at all. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

You close your eyes. You cannot see anything. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait//|Closetwait5]] [[//Open your eyes.//|blind]]

You cannot see anything. [[//Leave.//|death]] [[//Wait//|Closetwait6]] [[//Open your eyes.//|blind]]

You cannot see anything.(set: $lastchance = false) [[//Leave.//|Bedroom]] [[//Wait//|Closetwait6]] [[//Open your eyes.//|allgood]]

You look through the closet door. There is nothing in your bedroom. [[//Leave.//|Bedroom]] [[//Wait.//|allgood]]

Oh my god. Why are still waiting then? You know what, I'm taking the wait option away. You don't deserve it. You've misused the ability to wait. What are you going to do now that your precious agency has been taken away? Are you just going to sit, in real life, at your computer doing nothing, waiting for something to happen? Because that's what you've been doing in the game. You look silly and ridiculous. In the game, that is. Probably in real life too. You ridiculous player with your bizarre fascination with waiting. {(live: 60s)[I am not talking to you any more! You made me mad. Go dialogue-hunt somewhere else. ] (live: 120s)[You know, if you wait on this screen for 48 hours, you get a special ending. That's right. Just for you. ] (live: 240s)[I'm kidding. Leave ]} [[//Stand up.//|basement]]

Oh wow! Nobody has ever said that before to me, the link handler for the ritualOfferRefused node. That's so kind. All right, you can keep waiting all you like. I'm out of dialogue though. So you'd just be doing it to enjoy my company. (link: "Wait")[(go-to: "baildate")] [[//Stand up.//|basement]]

''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox'' Contains descriptions of death and injury. Credit for images goes to Midjourney. [[//Open your eyes.//|family room]]

(set: $deathchasestart = true) Something has gone horribly wrong with the summoning. You feel a presence on the other side of the table and an electric shock goes through your nervous system: An instinctive urge to run. (text-colour:red)[You are on a strict timer. Start clicking.] [[//Run up the basement stairs.//|foyer]] [[//Remain seated.//|deathchase]]

You cut a slice of the chocolate dessert, knife gliding slickly through the frosting and then the dense cake. Hefting a slice onto a plate, you take a hesitant bite. The cake is unlike anything you've ever eated before. Each crumb seems to contain an inconceivable amount of rich flavor in it, as if each cake molecule contained a whole other cake inside of it, which held even more cake inside of it an in infinite chocolatey regression. The cake is so smooth, the barrier between it and the frosting does not exist; there is merely a gradient of additional moisture and sweetness radiating out from the center of the slice. You finish the slice and take a couple seconds to catch your breath. All in all... you're kind of distraught at how good that cake was. A single tear drops from your eye. Why are you crying? [[//It's just like I remember, but better. Too much better.//|basement]]

As soon as you close your eyes, the backs of your eyelids light up and you see a completely alien environment. You're sitting in the middle of a bright cave covered in pools of water and foliage. Green and red plants are both floating on top of the pools and dangling from the ceiling. In the ceiling and walls of the cave are innumerable holes and cracks, through which a rich yellow sky can be seen set against a golden savannah-like biome with tall, waving grass and no trees. Through these holes crawl creatures you've never seen before: They look like a cross between large insects and small marsupials, plated with some sort of chitin and carrying babies with little twitching arms on their bellies. They crawl down the walls of the cave and set their babies down in the pools of water. As you watch the babies detach and start swimming around, you realize that you're sitting inside a large, communal nest inside of some sort of rock, or perhaps tree. There must be dozens of alien families in here, allowing their children to mingle in the water as they watch from the shores. This is beautiful. [[//Open your eyes.//|dingy]]

The presence across the table from you does not move. It does not appear to be leaving. (text-colour:red)[You get the feeling that this is extremely bad.] (link: "//Wait.//")[(set: $deathchasestart = true)(go-to: "uhoh.")] (link: "//Bolt away from the table and up the basement stairs.//")[(set: $deathchasestart = true)(go-to: "foyer")]

You are back in your dingy basement. [[//Ah.//|basement]]

Victory is yours. The candle off to your left flickers out, and the presence across from you vanishes. There is no observable change in your surroundings. [[Next]]

Victory is yours. The candle off to your left flickers out, and the presence across from you vanishes. There is no observable change in your surroundings. [[//Next//|worldnext]]

Victory is yours. The candle off to your left flickers out, and the presence across from you vanishes. There is no observable change in your surroundings. [[//Next//|famnext]]

Victory is yours, but the presence across from you remains. A psychic message is sent to you by your Guest: "VOCALIZE... DESIRED WISH..." You realize you've been a little silly. You could have just written your wish down on the paper. Regardless, it's time to choose a reward. [[//I wish to have 100 billion dollars.//|bill]] [[//I wish to have my family back.//|fam]] [[//I wish to be omnipotent.//|omni]] [[//I wish for world peace.//|worl]]

Victory is yours. The candle off to your left flickers out, and the presence across from you vanishes. There is no observable change in your surroundings. [[//Begin world domination.//|omni2]]

That night, you check your bank account: $100,000,011,340. Nobody ever questions where this money comes from. You report it as income on your tax forms, but no money is ever deducted from your bank account. You begin to wake up to your new reality. [[Blow it all on yachts and drugs.]] [[Hire a financial adviser and set up a trust fund]]

Yeah you'd think that you'd be able to do that, but it is SHOCKINGLY hard to blow a hundred billion dollars on anything. With that much liquidity, every human experience ever conceived is available to you. You buy cocaine, go to raves on ecstasy, and party every weekend on a private yacht. It almost becomes an obsession, trying to lose all the money you've won. This mission ends in failure, face-down in a swimming pool in Los Angeles, pumped full of every substance in the known world. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

This is the kind of thing one has to be reasonable about. Your money has to be well taken care of. Immediately, you put 30 billion dollars into a combination of longer term U.S. treasuries and some other G7 treasury instruments. This is your safety net: This money will maintain its value over time and will never be lost unless society itself collapses, in which case you'll have bigger things to worry about than your investments. The combined 3.5% return on these investments means you're now pulling in over a billion dollars a year. Of the remaining 70 billion dollars, half of it goes into an S%P 500 index fund with low fees. Over time, this ends up returning roughly 7% a year, meaning that your money now doubles every ten years on average. So what do you actually do with all this money? After setting yourself up very nicely with a mansion in Los Angeles and extreme security to protect the new richest person on the planet, you become a bit of a philanthropist, funding humanitarian efforts the world over. But despite your best efforts, your dragon's hoard keeps growing bigger; you literally have too much money to give away now. It appreciates in value faster than you can spend it meaningfully. As your life goes on, you become more and more reclusive. Society appreciates your philanthropy but also lambasts you for not doing more; but there's a limit to how much money you can give away without crashing economies. Making friends is brutal as well; nobody ever told you how badly money gets in the way of making genuine human connections. Your money keeps appreciating in value. You die at the age of 93, surrounded by nobody but your personal assistants. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Over the next week, nothing special happens. Then, suddenly, an announcement is made on the television: A miraculous diplomatic plan has been proposed by a novel AI running on a supercomputer previously kept hidden from the public. This proposed plan seems to fix all international disagreements, and many socio-economic ones; in an unprecedented cooperative endeavour, the world's leaders begin putting this plan into action. A few years later, the Plan (as it is now called) is still being implemented. Several world leaders have had bizarre changes in personality or mysteriously dropped dead, only to be replaced by fanatic proponents of accelerating the Plan. National borders are redrawn; society is restructured under a one world government whose actions are heavily advised by the AI that invented the Plan. While all war has stopped, many nations still have internal problems. More authority is given to police systems to solve this; after all, there shouldn't be anything to riot or protest about ever since inequality was eliminated by the Plan. The conclusion of the Plan occurs roughly 20 years from its conception. Earth is now controlled directly and entirely by the AI, who is in full control of the world's police, social, and economic systems. Violent and anti-cooperative brain traits are being bred out of the population via genetic engineering. World peace has finally been achieved. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

A single tear slips down your cheek. Your worst mistake, corrected. You close your eyes and swear to never mess with summoning or Guests ever again. [[//Stand up.//|famnext2]]

Your limbs feel numb with relief as you rise from you chair. You sweep the candles off the table and rip up the paper. [[//Sever all ties. Destroy the tome.//|famnext3]]

The paper, pencil, and "Guide to Interactions with Outer Beings" all go in a pile, which is swiftly lit on fire using your lighter. Soon they are nothing but a bad memory. It's time to go say hello to your family. [[//Go up the stairs.//|famnext4]]

You hear a knock on the door. Your family is home. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

With a snap of your fingers, you become a God. You go around solving all of the world's perceived problems; you create tables of infinite feasts in every city; you make all microplastics disappear; you create millions of houses that will never need to be maintained, and when you're all done solving problems, you proclaim yourself as God to the world's citizens. But things don't go as smoothly as you planned. Warbands and cartels are taking control of your generous gifts, gloating their power over the people who try to get food, water, or housing. This will not do. You smite them down. And although your proclaimation of yourself as God has been well received by many, there are still governments that don't want to acknowledge your supremacy over them. This will not do. You smite them down. You play around for a couple more decades, creating teleportation devices to get people on Mars, curing cancer, Alzheimer's, and even aging as a whole. But you realize that some problems, like humanity's bizarre need to be horrible to each other, are very difficult to solve. Or rather, they would be if you couldn't just snap your fingers and solve them. No more racism. No more homophobia. They, as concepts, just don't exist anymore. But something's not right. It feels hollow just fixing all your problems immediately with the cosmic equivalent of brute force. Your fingers have been in the minds of every human being, changing who they are to better fit your desires. It feels wrong. It is wrong. It's all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. [[//Start over.//|omni3]]

Fortunately, you're a God. You can just start over. With a single thought, you return reality to as it was before you started messing with it. You are back in your basement, sitting at a table. Victory is yours. The candle off to your left flickers out, and the presence across from you vanishes. This time, you're going to play by the rules. But that isn't to say you can't have a strategy guide. You will into existance a stone tablet that displays answers to any question you might have. This is all you will need. You begin by asking the tablet to display the optimal series of actions you should take to ensure a prosperous and united Earth. Wow. That list is long. You begin by winning a few lotteries, making a few key stock trades. You use your starting money to create a highly successful tech company, which branches out into a shipping company, and then a space company. You control vast amounts of wealth and power, and you "invent" several key technologies to help with this power grab; nanotechnology. Drone technology. You create a small, unmanned robot base on the surface of Mercury. Self-replicating nanorobots churn through the crust, refining raw material into a fleet of hundreds of millions of small solar powered drones that are launched into orbit around the Sun: You've created a Dyson Swarm. You now can wield 0.01% of the star's energy, and you beam this energy back to Earth and use a pre-planned network of bribed officials and government puppets to grant your company a large amount of oversight in the matters of nearly every country on Earth. The sheer amount of energy you have access to allows you to synthesize food and purify water for every human on the planet. You are loved by everyone as a savior who solved every material problem, as well as cured every disease, and they think that you're just an ordinary human, like them. Two thousand years later, the boredom sets back in. You feel like you're done playing on a Sim City save file. There's nothing more to do. [[//Start over.//|omni4]]

Since you can reset your actions whenever you like, you go a little crazy. You do every possible thing that could be done given your starting conditions. You raise humanity up and dash them down. You pretend you're a normal person, a God, a demon. The boredom sets in regardless. There could be a way out of this, but... it would require you to alter your own mind so as to not encounter this problem anymore. [[//Fix the boredom.//|omnifix]] [[//I don't want to do that.//|omnidie]]

You, in your omnipotence, simply delete the part of your mind that gets bored. You now find your existence incredibly entertaining. This opens up another realm of enjoyment for you as you make a realization: Why bother messing around with all these "activities" when you could just reprogram your brain to feel pleasure? In a moment of distraction, you decide to give your brain the maximum amount of pleasure a sentient being could experience for a split second. You get hooked, obviously. Nothing after this event matters or changes. You become a blind, deaf god in eternal bliss. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

The boredom never goes away, but at least you're still yourself. Altering your own mind would only lead to trouble. But after millions of iterations, millions of stories, millions of endings... You're still. Bored. When you're that unfathomably, permanently bored, death seems like a natural thing to want to experience; like going to bed after a tiring day or getting off a train when it reaches its last stop. You snap your fingers and get off the train. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. You feel an awful pulse through your entire body: Like every cell just died a little bit. Your age at this point is starting to show. Suddenly, the muscles in your heart tense up, flutter, and then start spasming. You fall on the floor as you hear the sound of your guest leaving you to die. You have squandered your life, and will now never get what you wanted. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. You feel a horrifying sucking sensation on your remaining eye, and then everything goes dark forever. You feel your guest's presence disappear from the other side of the table. Without your eyes, you cannot complete what you set out to do. Nothing after this event matters. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. You gasp as you feel a horrible pinching pain in your chest. Your muscles ripple in protest and rearrange around a new vacuum. It seems your guest has taken a different organ this time. You fall to the ground as your body gives out. Your guest vanishes from your basement forever as your vision fades. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. An ache starts spreading down your legs and arms, followed by a sensation only describable as muscular liposuction. You can feel 6,400 more calories of your body being sucked away. This regrettably brings you down below the level of survivable flesh on your body. Your veins collapse, your hearts gives out, and your vision goes dark as you hear your guest vanish forever from your basement. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. Your 760 years of service begins immediately. Your guest whisks you away to a realm of flashing colors and incomprehensible shapes, but their blessings keep you from going insane. As a matter of fact, you stay horrifically, painfully sane throughout your entire service. Your new master sends you out as an emissary to groups of strange people, forces you to force other entities, human and non-human, to carry out its will, and some of the tasks you're given are beyond description. Life as an eldritch slave takes you through the full breadth of reality, but eventually your service concludes. Standing before your master, you breathe a sign of relief as you collapse and turn to dust. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. As they vanish from the other side of the table, a massive explosion sounds outside. Rushing upstairs, you look through a window to witness meteors crashing down from a blood-colored sky. Fires rage all around you as an unfathomably large chunk of rock descends upon your house. This is all your fault. 400 years from now, life will begin again in the glassed deserts of your planet. But you will not be there to see it. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. As chills run through your body, the you suddenly realize the magnitude of your actions. As if it wasn't enough to wager your family's lives all those years ago, you had to resummon the same creature and fail so horrifically at bringing them back that you've somehow made their situation even worse. As the eldritch horror you summoned starts to disappear into its home dimension from across the table, you hear something from the other side. Your son and daughter. Calling out in terror and confusion. In a blind rage, you get up from the table and rush at your guest, who happily tears you apart. You don't care; death is preferable to having to live with what you've done. You coward. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. Suddenly your vision goes black. You're confined in a space so uncomfortably small that you can't move any part of your body, or even tell if you still have one. You remain vagely aware of your surroundings; you are trapped inside a small golden lamp on the floor of your basement. Nobody visits your house for decades. When they do, it's to demolish the building. However, somehow, you are missed in the shadowy corners of your basement, and remain painfully aware as soil and rock collapses in on you. Your only hope now is that somebody digs you up; then you can beg them to wish for your release. You're in for a long wait. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Unfortunately, your guest has claimed the better of you. Instantly, you are transported to a jagged plain of sharp, porous rock. Hellfire burns at your legs, forcing you to your knees in paralyzing agony. The sharp rock and searing fire almost numb your mind in pain as you hear distant laughter as some cruel demon gleefully watches a mortal being punished for trying to become a god. The first few days are the worst, as your body rewrites itself around remaining awake and aware 24/7. You can feel you muscles and nerves reforming themselves to better handle the sheer pain you're experiencing. The next few months blend together; fire, sharp stones, and laughter. Your torture does not let up. An indeterminate amount of time later, you barely find the strength to stand up from your prison of agonizing pain. You are no longer a human, but a small, charred imp, wishing nothing but to inflict the pain you experienced on others. ''How to Entertain a Guest by Jacob Knox''

Pisk is a game quite similar to the board game knows as "Risk." Its main difference is that it is a heavily simplified version, simple enough to, for example, implement it in a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style video game, if you were to try to do that for some ridiculous reason. In Pisk, your forces are randomly scattered across a map of Earth. At the beginning of your turn, you may place additional forces on whichever continent you want. After this, you may choose one continent on which to attack your opponent. The result of the engagement is determined by a random dice roll. When all continents have been conquered by either you or your foe (or been destroyed in the conflict), whoever has conquered more wins the game. Pisk is typically won by denying your opponent the opportunity to win continents by strategically using your reserve units to shore up weak continents. At the same time, you want to attack continents that have been left somewhat open by your opponent, because owning a continent gives you a boost to the number of reserve units you get per turn. Do you want to play this game? [[//Accept the path of Pisk.//|risksetup]] [[//I'd like another game.//|choosegame]]

{(if:$troops > 0)[You have $troops troops to place.](else:)[It is your turn to attack.] (if: $annoyance is >0 and $seed > 17)[(go-to: "riskdanger")] (if: ($youNA <= 0 or $guestNA <= 0) and ($youSA <= 0 or $guestSA <= 0) and ($youEU <= 0 or $guestEU <= 0) and ($youAS <= 0 or $guestAS <= 0) and ($youAF <= 0 or $guestAF <= 0) and ($youAU <= 0 or $guestAU <= 0))[ (go-to: "riskend")) ] } North America: (if: $troops > 0 and ($youNA > 0 and $guestNA > 0))[(link: "//Add troops.//")[(set: $youNA = $youNA + 1)(set: $troops = $troops - 1)(go-to: "risk")]](else-if: ($youNA > 0 and $guestNA > 0))[(link: "//Attack!//")[(go-to: "attackNA")]] &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Your Troops: $youNA &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Guest's Troops: $guestNA South America: (if: $troops > 0 and ($youSA > 0 and $guestSA > 0))[(link: "//Add troops.//")[(set: $youSA = $youSA + 1)(set: $troops = $troops - 1)(go-to: "risk")]](else-if: ($youSA > 0 and $guestSA > 0))[(link: "//Attack!//")[(go-to: "attackSA")]] &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Your Troops: $youSA &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Guest's Troops: $guestSA Europe: (if: $troops > 0 and ($youEU > 0 and $guestEU > 0))[(link: "//Add troops.//")[(set: $youEU = $youEU + 1)(set: $troops = $troops - 1)(go-to: "risk")]](else-if: ($youEU > 0 and $guestEU > 0))[(link: "//Attack!//")[(go-to: "attackEU")]] &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Your Troops: $youEU &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Guest's Troops: $guestEU Asia: (if: $troops > 0 and ($youAS > 0 and $guestAS > 0))[(link: "//Add troops.//")[(set: $youAS = $youAS + 1)(set: $troops = $troops - 1)(go-to: "risk")]](else-if: ($youAS > 0 and $guestAS > 0))[(link: "//Attack!//")[(go-to: "attackAS")]] &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Your Troops: $youAS &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Guest's Troops: $guestAS Africa: (if: $troops > 0 and ($youAF > 0 and $guestAF > 0))[(link: "//Add troops.//")[(set: $youAF = $youAF + 1)(set: $troops = $troops - 1)(go-to: "risk")]](else-if: ($youAF > 0 and $guestAF > 0))[(link: "//Attack!//")[(go-to: "attackAF")]] &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Your Troops: $youAF &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Guest's Troops: $guestAF Australia: (if: $troops > 0 and ($youAU > 0 and $guestAU > 0))[(link: "//Add troops.//")[(set: $youAU = $youAU + 1)(set: $troops = $troops - 1)(go-to: "risk")]](else-if: ($youAU > 0 and $guestAU > 0))[(link: "//Attack!//")[(go-to: "attackAU")]] &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Your Troops: $youAU &ensp;&ensp;&ensp;Guest's Troops: $guestAU

{The board is set up. You can now begin play. (set: $candyloop = 0) (set: $youpoints = 0) (set: $turn = "you") (set: $troops = 2) (set: $troopsturn = 3) (set: $guesttroops = 2) (set: $guesttroopsturn = 3) (set: $justAttacked = "WHAT") (set: $guestriskchoice = 0) (set: $troopsturn = 3) (set: $guesttroopsturn = 3) (set: $wonNA = false) (set: $wonSA = false) (set: $wonEU = false) (set: $wonAS = false) (set: $wonAF = false) (set: $wonAU = false) (set: $lostNA = false) (set: $lostSA = false) (set: $lostEU = false) (set: $lostAS = false) (set: $lostAF = false) (set: $lostAU = false) (set: $youpoints = 0) (set: $s1 = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s2 = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s3 = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s4 = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s5 = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s6 = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s1t = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s2t = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s3t = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s4t = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s5t = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $s6t = (random: 1, 100)) (set: $sum = $s1+$s2+$s3+$s4+$s5+$s6) (set: $sumt = $s1t+$s2t+$s3t+$s4t+$s5t+$s6t) (set: $youNA = (floor: ($s1/$sum)*46)+1) (set: $guestNA = (floor: ($s1t/$sumt)*46)+1) (set: $youSA = (floor: ($s2/$sum)*46)+1) (set: $guestSA = (floor: ($s2t/$sumt)*46)+1) (set: $youEU = (floor: ($s3/$sum)*46)+1) (set: $guestEU = (floor: ($s3t/$sumt)*46)+1) (set: $youAS = (floor: ($s4/$sum)*46)+1) (set: $guestAS = (floor: ($s4t/$sumt)*46)+1) (set: $youAF = (floor: ($s5/$sum)*46)+1) (set: $guestAF = (floor: ($s5t/$sumt)*46)+1) (set: $youAU = (floor: ($s6/$sum)*46)+1) (set: $guestAU = (floor: ($s6t/$sumt)*46)+1) (set: $troops = $troopsturn) [[//Play your turn.//|risk]] (link: "//Would you like to go first?//")[(set: $turn = "them")(go-to: "riskthem")] [[//Umm... Youngest goes first, right?//|riskalt]]}

Your guest stares at you. You can feel its penetrating gaze from the ocean of darkness across from you. (if: $candyloop is not 1)[(link: "//Uhh... So that would... probably be ''me'', right?//")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)(set: $candyloop = 1)(go-to: "riskalt")]] (if: $candyloop is 1)[(link: "//Right?//")[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)(go-to: "riskalt")]] (link: "//...How about you just go first.//")[(set: $turn = "them")(go-to: "risk")] [[//Draw a card.//|risk]]

You attack the enemy's holdings in North America. (set: $newseed = (random: 7, 10)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy holds off your advance.(if: $youNA/3 > 5)[(set: $youNA = $youNA - (floor: $youNA/3))](else:)[(set: $youNA = $youNA-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You annihilate your enemy. (if: $newseed is 10)[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)It seems like your guest is irritated by this development.](if: $guestNA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA - (floor: $guestNA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides.(if: $youNA/3 > 5)[(set: $youNA = $youNA - (floor: $youNA/3))](else:)[(set: $youNA = $youNA-5)](if: $guestNA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA - (floor: $guestNA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA-5)]] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $youNA <= 0 and $guestNA > 0)[You have lost North America.(set: $youNA = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+2)] (if: $guestNA <= 0 and $youNA > 0)[You have won North America.(set: $wonNA = true)(set: $guestNA = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestNA <= 0 and $youNA <= 0)[(set: $guestNA = 0)(set: $youNA = 0)North America has been burned to the ground.] (set: $guesttroops = $guesttroopsturn) (link: "//Understood.//")[(set: $justAttacked = "NA")(go-to: "riskthem")]

(set: $attackthem = (random: 1, 2)) (if: ($youNA <= 0 or $guestNA <= 0) and ($youSA <= 0 or $guestSA <= 0) and ($youEU <= 0 or $guestEU <= 0) and ($youAS <= 0 or $guestAS <= 0) and ($youAF <= 0 or $guestAF <= 0) and ($youAU <= 0 or $guestAU <= 0))[ (go-to: "riskend")) ] (if: $attackthem is 1)[(if: ($guestNA < $guestSA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestNA < $guestEU OR $guestEU is 0) and ($guestNA < $guestAS OR $guestAS is 0) and ($guestNA < $guestAF OR $guestAF is 0) and ($guestNA < $guestAU OR $guestAU is 0) and ($guestNA is not 0) and ($youNA is not 0)[(set:)[$guestNA = $guestNA + $guesttroops](go-to: "themattack")] (if: ($guestSA < $guestNA OR $guestNA is 0) and ($guestSA < $guestEU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestSA < $guestAS OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestSA < $guestAF OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestSA < $guestAU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestSA is not 0) and ($youSA is not 0)[(set:)[$guestSA = $guestSA + $guesttroops](go-to: "themattack")] (if: ($guestEU < $guestNA OR $guestNA is 0) and ($guestEU < $guestSA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestEU < $guestAS OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestEU < $guestAF OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestEU < $guestAU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestEU is not 0) and ($youEU is not 0)[(set:)[$guestEU = $guestEU + $guesttroops](go-to: "themattack")] (if: ($guestAS < $guestSA OR $guestNA is 0) and ($guestAS < $guestEU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAS < $guestNA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAS < $guestAF OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAS < $guestAU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAS is not 0) and ($youAS is not 0)[(set:)[$guestAS = $guestAS + $guesttroops](go-to: "themattack")] (if: ($guestAF < $guestSA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAF < $guestEU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAF < $guestAS OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAF < $guestNA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAF < $guestAU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAF is not 0) and ($youAF is not 0)[(set:)[$guestAF = $guestAF + $guesttroops](go-to: "themattack")] (if: ($guestAU < $guestSA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAU < $guestEU OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAU < $guestAS OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAU < $guestAF OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAU < $guestNA OR $guestSA is 0) and ($guestAU is not 0) and ($youAU is not 0)[(set:)[$guestAU = $guestAU + $guesttroops](go-to: "themattack")] ](else:)[ (if: $justAttacked is "NA" and ($youNA > 0) and ($guestNA > 0))[(set:)[$guestNA = $guestNA + $guesttroops]] (if: $justAttacked is "SA" and ($youSA > 0) and ($guestSA > 0))[(set:)[$guestSA = $guestSA + $guesttroops]] (if: $justAttacked is "AS" and ($youAS > 0) and ($guestNA > 0))[(set:)[$guestAS = $guestAS + $guesttroops]] (if: $justAttacked is "EU" and ($youEU > 0) and ($guestNA > 0))[(set:)[$guestEU = $guestEU + $guesttroops]] (if: $justAttacked is "AU" and ($youAU > 0) and ($guestAU > 0))[(set:)[$guestAU = $guestAU + $guesttroops]] (if: $justAttacked is "AF" and ($youAF > 0) and ($guestAF > 0))[(set:)[$guestAF = $guestAF + $guesttroops]] ] (go-to: "themattack")

{(set: $guestriskchoice = (random: 1, 6)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $guestriskchoice is 1 and ($youNA <= 0 OR $guestNA <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 2 and ($youSA <= 0 OR $guestSA <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 3 and ($youEU <= 0 OR $guestEU <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 4 and ($youAS <= 0 OR $guestAS <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 5 and ($youAF <= 0 OR $guestAF <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 6 and ($youAU <= 0 OR $guestAU <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 1 and ($youNA <= 0 OR $guestNA <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 2 and ($youSA <= 0 OR $guestSA <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 3 and ($youEU <= 0 OR $guestEU <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 4 and ($youAS <= 0 OR $guestAS <=0))[(set: $guestriskchoice = $guestriskchoice + 1)] (if: $guestriskchoice is 1)[Your guest attacks North America. (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy annihilates you. (if: $youNA/3 > 5)[(set: $youNA = $youNA - (floor: $youNA/3))](else:)[(set: $youNA = $youNA-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You hold off their advance. (if: $guestNA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA - (floor: $guestNA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides. (if: $youNA/3 > 5)[(set: $youNA = $youNA - (floor: $youNA/3))](else:)[(set: $youNA = $youNA-5)](if: $guestNA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA - (floor: $guestNA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestNA = $guestNA-5)]] (if: $youNA <= 0 and $guestNA > 0)[You have lost North America.(set: $youNA = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+2)] (if: $guestNA <= 0 and $youNA > 0)[You have won North America.(set: $wonNA = true)(set: $guestNA = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestNA <= 0 and $youNA <= 0)[(set: $guestNA = 0)(set: $youNA = 0)North America has been burned to the ground.] ] (if: $guestriskchoice is 2)[Your guest attacks South America. (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy annihilates you. (if: $youSA/3 > 5)[(set: $youSA = $youSA - (floor: $youSA/3))](else:)[(set: $youSA = $youSA-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You hold off their advance. (if: $guestSA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA - (floor: $guestSA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides. (if: $youSA/3 > 5)[(set: $youSA = $youSA - (floor: $youSA/3))](else:)[(set: $youSA = $youSA-5)](if: $guestSA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA - (floor: $guestSA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA-5)]] (if: $youSA <= 0 and $guestSA > 0)[You have lost South America.(set: $youNA = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+1)] (if: $guestSA <= 0 and $youSA > 0)[You have won South America.(set: $wonSA = true)(set: $guestSA = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+1)] (if: $guestSA <= 0 and $youSA <= 0)[(set: $guestSA = 0)(set: $youSA = 0)South America has been burned to the ground.] ] (if: $guestriskchoice is 3)[Your guest attacks Europe. (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy annihilates you. (if: $youSA/3 > 5)[(set: $youEU = $youEU - (floor: $youEU/3))](else:)[(set: $youEU = $youEU-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You hold off their advance. (if: $guestEU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU - (floor: $guestEU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides. (if: $youEU/3 > 5)[(set: $youEU = $youEU - (floor: $youEU/3))](else:)[(set: $youEU = $youEU-5)](if: $guestEU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU - (floor: $guestEU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU-5)]] (if: $youEU <= 0 and $guestEU > 0)[You have lost Europe.(set: $youEU = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+2)] (if: $guestEU <= 0 and $youEU > 0)[You have won Europe.(set: $wonEU = true)(set: $guestEU = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestEU <= 0 and $youEU <= 0)[(set: $guestEU = 0)(set: $youEU = 0)Europe has been burned to the ground.] ] (if: $guestriskchoice is 4)[Your guest attacks Asia. (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy annihilates you. (if: $youAS/3 > 5)[(set: $youAS = $youAS - (floor: $youAS/3))](else:)[(set: $youAS = $youAS-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You hold off their advance. (if: $guestAS/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS - (floor: $guestAS/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides. (if: $youAS/3 > 5)[(set: $youAS = $youAS - (floor: $youAS/3))](else:)[(set: $youAS = $youAS-5)](if: $guestAS/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS - (floor: $guestAS/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS-5)]] (if: $youAS <= 0 and $guestAS > 0)[You have lost Asia.(set: $youAS = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+3)] (if: $guestAS <= 0 and $youAS > 0)[You have won Asia.(set: $wonAS = true)(set: $guestAS = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestAS <= 0 and $youAS <= 0)[(set: $guestAS = 0)(set: $youAS = 0)Asia has been burned to the ground.] ] (if: $guestriskchoice is 5)[Your guest attacks Africa. (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy annihilates you. (if: $youAF/3 > 5)[(set: $youAF = $youAF - (floor: $youAF/3))](else:)[(set: $youAF = $youAF-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You hold off their advance. (if: $guestAF/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF - (floor: $guestAF/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides. (if: $youAF/3 > 5)[(set: $youAF = $youAF - (floor: $youAF/3))](else:)[(set: $youAF = $youAF-5)](if: $guestAF/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF - (floor: $guestAF/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF-5)]] (if: $youAF <= 0 and $guestAF > 0)[You have lost Africa.(set: $youAF = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+3)] (if: $guestAF <= 0 and $youAF > 0)[You have won Africa.(set: $wonAF = true)(set: $guestAF = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestAF <= 0 and $youAF <= 0)[(set: $guestAF = 0)(set: $youAF = 0)Africa has been burned to the ground.] ] (if: $guestriskchoice is 6)[Your guest attacks Australia. (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy annihilates you. (if: $youAU/3 > 5)[(set: $youAU = $youAU - (floor: $youAU/3))](else:)[(set: $youAU = $youAU-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You hold off their advance. (if: $guestAU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU - (floor: $guestAU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides. (if: $youAU/3 > 5)[(set: $youAU = $youAU - (floor: $youAU/3))](else:)[(set: $youAU = $youAU-5)](if: $guestAU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU - (floor: $guestAU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU-5)]] (if: $youAU <= 0 and $guestAU > 0)[You have lost Australia.(set: $youAU = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+3)] (if: $guestAU <= 0 and $youAU > 0)[You have won Australia.(set: $wonAU = true)(set: $guestAU = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestAU <= 0 and $youAU <= 0)[(set: $guestAU = 0)(set: $youAU = 0)Australia has been burned to the ground.] ] (set: $troops = $troopsturn)(set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (link: "//Understood.//")[(go-to: "risk")] }

You attack the enemy's holdings in South America. (set: $newseed = (random: 7, 10)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy holds off your advance.(if: $youSA/3 > 5)[(set: $youSA = $youSA - (floor: $youSA/3))](else:)[(set: $youSA = $youSA-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You annihilate your enemy. (if: $newseed is 10)[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)It seems like your guest is irritated by this development.](if: $guestSA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA - (floor: $guestSA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides.(if: $youSA/3 > 5)[(set: $youSA = $youSA - (floor: $youSA/3))](else:)[(set: $youSA = $youSA-5)](if: $guestSA/3 > 5)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA - (floor: $guestSA/3))](else:)[(set: $guestSA = $guestSA-5)]] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $youSA <= 0 and $guestSA > 0)[You have lost South America.(set: $youNA = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+1)] (if: $guestSA <= 0 and $youSA > 0)[You have won South America.(set: $wonSA = true)(set: $guestSA = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+1)] (if: $guestSA <= 0 and $youSA <= 0)[(set: $guestSA = 0)(set: $youSA = 0)South America has been burned to the ground.] (set: $guesttroops = $guesttroopsturn) (link: "//Understood.//")[(set: $justAttacked = "SA")(go-to: "riskthem")]

You attack the enemy's holdings in Europe. (set: $newseed = (random: 7, 10)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy holds off your advance.(if: $youEU/3 > 5)[(set: $youEU = $youEU - (floor: $youEU/3))](else:)[(set: $youEU = $youEU-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You annihilate your enemy. (if: $newseed is 10)[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)It seems like your guest is irritated by this development.](if: $guestEU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU - (floor: $guestEU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides.(if: $youEU/3 > 5)[(set: $youEU = $youEU - (floor: $youEU/3))](else:)[(set: $youEU = $youEU-5)](if: $guestEU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU - (floor: $guestEU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestEU = $guestEU-5)]] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $youEU <= 0 and $guestEU > 0)[You have lost Europe.(set: $youEU = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+2)] (if: $guestEU <= 0 and $youEU > 0)[You have won Europe.(set: $wonEU = true)(set: $guestEU = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestEU <= 0 and $youEU <= 0)[(set: $guestEU = 0)(set: $youEU = 0)Europe has been burned to the ground.] (set: $guesttroops = $guesttroopsturn) (link: "//Understood.//")[(set: $justAttacked = "EU")(go-to: "riskthem")]

You attack the enemy's holdings in Asia. (set: $newseed = (random: 7, 10)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy holds off your advance.(if: $youAS/3 > 5)[(set: $youAS = $youAS - (floor: $youAS/3))](else:)[(set: $youAS = $youAS-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You annihilate your enemy. (if: $newseed is 10)[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)It seems like your guest is irritated by this development.](if: $guestAS/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS - (floor: $guestAS/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides.(if: $youAS/3 > 5)[(set: $youAS = $youAS - (floor: $youAS/3))](else:)[(set: $youAS = $youAS-5)](if: $guestAS/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS - (floor: $guestAS/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAS = $guestAS-5)]] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $youAS <= 0 and $guestAS > 0)[You have lost Asia.(set: $youAS = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+3)] (if: $guestAS <= 0 and $youAS > 0)[You have won Asia.(set: $wonAS = true)(set: $guestAS = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestAS <= 0 and $youAS <= 0)[(set: $guestAS = 0)(set: $youAS = 0)Asia has been burned to the ground.] (set: $guesttroops = $guesttroopsturn) (link: "//Understood.//")[(set: $justAttacked = "AS")(go-to: "riskthem")]

You attack the enemy's holdings in Africa. (set: $newseed = (random: 7, 10)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy holds off your advance.(if: $youAF/3 > 5)[(set: $youAF = $youAF - (floor: $youAF/3))](else:)[(set: $youAF = $youAF-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You annihilate your enemy. (if: $newseed is 10)[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)It seems like your guest is irritated by this development.](if: $guestAF/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF - (floor: $guestAF/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides.(if: $youAF/3 > 5)[(set: $youAF = $youAF - (floor: $youAF/3))](else:)[(set: $youAF = $youAF-5)](if: $guestAF/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF - (floor: $guestAF/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAF = $guestAF-5)]] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $youAF <= 0 and $guestAF > 0)[You have lost Africa.(set: $youAF = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+3)] (if: $guestAF <= 0 and $youAF > 0)[You have won Africa.(set: $wonAF = true)(set: $guestAF = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestAF <= 0 and $youAF <= 0)[(set: $guestAF = 0)(set: $youAF = 0)Africa has been burned to the ground.] (set: $guesttroops = $guesttroopsturn) (link: "//Understood.//")[(set: $justAttacked = "AF")(go-to: "riskthem")]

You attack the enemy's holdings in Australia. (set: $newseed = (random: 7, 10)) (set: $attack = (random: 1, 100)) (if: $attack < 40)[The enemy holds off your advance.(if: $youAU/3 > 5)[(set: $youAU = $youAU - (floor: $youAU/3))](else:)[(set: $youAU = $youAU-5)]](else-if: $attack > 60)[You annihilate your enemy. (if: $newseed is 10)[(set: $annoyance = $annoyance + 1)It seems like your guest is irritated by this development.](if: $guestAU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU - (floor: $guestAU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU-5)]](else:)[The attack results in heavy losses on both sides.(if: $youAU/3 > 5)[(set: $youAU = $youAU - (floor: $youAU/3))](else:)[(set: $youAU = $youAU-5)](if: $guestAU/3 > 5)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU - (floor: $guestAU/3))](else:)[(set: $guestAU = $guestAU-5)]] (set: $seed = (random: 1, 20)) (if: $youAU <= 0 and $guestAU > 0)[You have lost Australia.(set: $youAU = 0)(set: $guesttroopsturn = $guesttroopsturn+3)] (if: $guestAU <= 0 and $youAU > 0)[You have won Australia.(set: $wonAU = true)(set: $guestAU = 0)(set: $troopsturn = $troopsturn+2)] (if: $guestAU <= 0 and $youAU <= 0)[(set: $guestAU = 0)(set: $youAU = 0)Australia has been burned to the ground.] (set: $guesttroops = $guesttroopsturn) (link: "//Understood.//")[(set: $justAttacked = "AU")(go-to: "riskthem")]

(set: $youpoints = 0) (if: $wonNA is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonSA is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonEU is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonAS is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonAF is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonAU is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ] (if: $youpoints < 3)[(go-to: "lose")] (if: $youpoints > 3)[(go-to: "win")] (if: $youpoints is 3)[(go-to: "tie")]

It seems your game has ended in a tie. {(if: $annoyance is >2)[ [[//"Thank you for the game. It seems we were equally matched."//|uhoh.]] [[//Flip your opponent off.//|uhoh.]] ] (else:)[ [[//"Thank you for the game. It seems we were equally matched."//|endwin]] [[//Flip your opponent off.//|deathchase]] ]}

It feels like your guest is not having a good time. For a couple seconds, you can feel blood rushing to your head, and then, all of a sudden, the table starts shaking. (live: 4s)[ [[//Quick grab the table.//|riskdangersaved]] ] (live: 5s)[ (go-to: "riskdangerworse") ]

Phew, you grabbed the table in time. A couple game pieces got moved around, but you quickly reset them and continue playing, a bead of sweat dripping down your forehead. (set: $seed = (random: 1, 18)) [[//Yeah. Great.//|risk]]

The board, and the pieces on it, clatter to the floor. You can feel your guest looking at you expectantly. [[//Pick up the board and the pieces.//|riskdangerworse2]]

{You set the board back up on the table, and then place down your opponent's piece. Suddenly, your mind blanks out. How many continents did you own again? (set: $seed = (random: 1, 18)) (set: $youpoints = 0) (if: $wonNA is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonSA is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonEU is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonAS is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonAF is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ](if: $wonAU is true)[ (set: $youpoints = $youpoints + 1) ] (set: $lessyoupoints = $youpoints-1)(set: $moreyoupoints = $youpoints+1) (set: $newseed = (random: 1, 3)) (set: $lesslessyoupoints = $youpoints-2)(set: $moremoreyoupoints = $youpoints+2) (if: $newseed is 1)[ (link: "//$youpoints//")[(go-to: "risk")] (link: "//$moreyoupoints//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$moremoreyoupoints//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] ] (if: $newseed is 2)[ (link: "//$lessyoupoints//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$youpoints//")[(go-to: "risk")] (link: "//$moreyoupoints//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] ] (if: $newseed is 3)[ (link: "//$lesslessyoupoints//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$lessyoupoints//")[(go-to: "deathchase")] (link: "//$youpoints//")[(go-to: "risk")] ]}